Starbucks “Devil Wears Nada” drink actually goes too far


Starbucks’ plain red cup garnered media attention and stirred controversy among Christians. After seeing record profits from the incident, the company is taking its supposed “War on Christmas” a step further.

“It’s time to actually be sacrilegious this time,” Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz explained. “Your move, Christians.”

Starbucks’ new drink “The Devil Wears Nada™” contains caffeinated Christ blood (and raspberries) in a revealing see-through container. The drink hits conservatives where it hurts by combining their three least favorite things: Satan, nudity and the sacrilegious satire of their Savior.


The Devil Wears Nada drink
The Devil Wears Nada among holiday-neutral snowflakes and pinecones.

Christians reportedly can’t wait to be mad about something that’s actually sacrilegious this time.


Schultz later admitted the blood was really just raspberry juice that had been blessed by a priest.

“Honestly I’m leaving the company in April, so I’ve got nothing to lose,” Schultz explained. “Either I’m a genius and leave a spectacular legacy, or it’s a terrible decision and I don’t have to face the consequences.”

The Satan-inspired beverage is expected to hit stores during the next Christmas season.

At press time, monotheistic religions said they would put their differences aside and stand together as one against the Starbucks company.

This article is satire, just like everything on this website.


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