Pope Francis doesn’t care what you believe in – he just doesn’t want you to be a degenerate little tool bag. “There are those who say, ‘I am very Catholic, I always go to mass, I belong to this and that association’,” he explained. “[Then they say] ‘I don’t pay my employees proper salaries, I exploit people, I do dirty business, I launder money, [I lead] a double life’.”
“What I’m trying to say is don’t be a d*ck,” Francis continued. “I don’t care if you’re an atheist – just don’t be an unbearable knucklehead.”
Pope Francis was also frustrated that Catholics cared so much about gay people. He called on priests to tell their congregations that there were worse things than two men in a relationship.
“This focus on homosexuality is ridiculous,” he said. “Stop caring about dick and start worrying that you’re being one.”
The Pope was also concerned that his Italian words weren’t being properly translated into the English language. “I’m concerned that what I’m saying sounds more vulgar than I mean to,” he explained.
This article is satire.