New rules make baseball faster, just as boring

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In a move that will garner basically no attention, baseball games are speeding up. To those weary of change: don’t sweat it. More than 50% of baseball games will still be “standing around,” while another 20% will continue to be “strike two.”

“Baseball fans are old. More than half are over 50. That’s more than twice my age,” said baseball superstar Bryce Harper. “These are the same people who don’t like cellphones, so what the hell do you want us to do?”

Commissioner Manfred agrees. “What do you think this is, the NFL?

“Do not worry,” explained MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “The core boredoms that make baseball unwatchable will remain intact.”

 

Bored child in baseball uniform.
Look at how bored this kid looks.

TO THE YOUNG FANS OUT THERE: BASEBALL HEARS YOUR CONCERNS, BUT ISN’T LISTENING.

“We will continue to make small tweaks that anger our core fanbase” continued Commissioner Manfred. “But we don’t want to make baseball any more accessible to the younger generation.”

Come press time, Manfred confirmed that baseball had about 30 years left until it faded into relative obscurity.

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